


Black Heart

by rufferto



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Bottom Dean Winchester/Top Sam Winchester, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evil Sam, M/M, PTSD, Split personality sam, Violence, a little romance, they switch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 19:17:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13794456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufferto/pseuds/rufferto
Summary: Sam is fighting a split personality. An evil part of him influenced by his situation. In order to stop him from doing damage to someone else, Dean lets Sam take it out on him. This fic is violent. This fic may trigger some people. Head the tags.Timeline: Season 2





	Black Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic in October 2007 when I was writing a lot of Supernatural Fanfiction. I posted it with my livejournal account and transferring it to Archive of our own.

I´m not going to  
burn in hell  
I cased the joint  
And I know it well  
-Rolling Stones “Flip the Switch”  
  
Chapter One

When Dean came to he felt something running down his inner thigh. It was warm and thick. It was a while before he realized there was nothing covering his leg. It took a few moments for his brain to un-fog. It was soon painfully clear he had nothing on and he was in fact, naked. His arms were bound up high over his head and his feet barely touched the ground. He strained and pain laced through him again. He couldn’t see, he could barely open one eye. The room was dark and smelled like sex. It was then he realized that the warmth running down his leg was his own seed. Dean sucked in his breath.  
  
That meant that whatever was in the room with him was close. He fought to focus but his mind was stuck on a pair of dark, deadly eyes. He frowned. The last thing he remembered clearly was getting knocked out by Sam. Or the thing that was Sam. He grunted. God, it hurt. Every muscle in his body was in pain. He swallowed. Oh god. Oh god. He was no stranger to this feeling. Someone had. He’d just been…  
  
“Hello sunshine.” A voice purred from somewhere a few feet away. It sure did sound like Sam but he couldn’t make out the shape in the darkness. “I was beginning to worry; you were out of it there for a good ten minutes.”  
  
His eyes could see the outline of Sam’s upper body but no details yet; his brain was far too unclear. “Let me down!”  
  
Sam chuckled. “Let you down? Now why would I go and do something like that especially when you seemed to be enjoying yourself only a half hour ago? What was that you said? Do your worst? I think this qualifies, don’t you?”  
  
“You..”  Dean couldn’t even say it. He closed his mind to it, it was impossible to even think about. Shit, how could he have let this happen?  
  
“Oh please.” Sam laughed. “You wanted it. Hell, you even begged me for it, Dean. After I had you so you confused you didn’t know which end was up you begged for me, imagine that. So I just gave you what you so obviously wanted and was always too friggin’ noble to ask for before. Did you ever think in the past what I wanted? Hell, if I had known. But never mind, I’ve never been good enough for you. You didn’t complain when I was sucking your cock just now though. You moaned like a bitch in heat when I fucked you.”  
  
“Son of a…” Dean croaked. He tried to kick out but Sam was not close.  
  
“Easy there, big brother.” Sam stepped forward “I told you you’d regret not killing me when you had the chance. Now even if you do kill me, this –will- tear you apart. Imagine that the great Dean Winchester’s one weakness is his fantasies about his own little brother.”  
  
Dean looked up, beside himself with anger. This time, Sam had gone too far.  
  
“Just to let you know Dean, I was stunned, I never thought you’d be into boys but it’s amazing what confessions you get when you really know how to extract information.”  
  
“Fuck you.” Dean spat.  
  
“Too late for that, Dean, You had your chance, but now your ass belongs to me. Sleep tight.” Sam forward with alarming speed and he was knocked out cold again.  
  
*  
  
When Dean came to again he was lying on the floor, ugly red still bleeding scrapes marking the motel room carpet with a relentless flow. His wrists were raw from the rope burn and he was pretty sure that a few ribs were broken. He didn’t even want to think about what his face looked like. Dean managed to pull himself into a seating position. He groped for his jeans and tugged them on. Each move drew a shuddering breath as he steeled himself from the pain.  
  
To break a Winchester it took something more than exhausting sex and mind games. Dean found his way to his feet. His body cried out in pain with every movement he made and he half stumbled, half dragged himself to the bathroom and pulled himself up to wash his face. Nothing essential seemed to be broken and that was a good thing.  
  
Once he’d caught his breath, Dean began to wash his face and wounds. This was getting more and more dangerous to maintain. One way or the other, he’d have to make a decision soon. Sam was out of control and getting worse. He wasn’t sure any of their friends would understand. In fact, most of them would say he should be killed. Dean wasn’t ready to accept that option yet.  
  
He ran his hands through his hair and his arms shook slightly. He sniffed and refused to allow any further emotion. His brother would come in the door soon. Dean always tried to keep an eye on him, but it was never easy and he could never predict when Sam would lose it. Sam always came back though.  
  
This time had been different. Sam had somehow tapped into the fact that Dean wanted him. Dean had wanted his brother for a long time. It was his darkest secret. He kept it buried so long. Now the evil half of his brother was doing everything it could to use that against him. This time it had almost succeeded in breaking him.  
  
Dean eyed his split lip. Damn, that hurt, not half as much as his ass did though. He leant on the counter. His father would not be proud of what he’d become. He was weak, he couldn’t kill Sam. As the days went by it was torture to watch his brother in so much inner turmoil. He knew Sam hated hurting him. Better me than someone else, Dean sighed. It’s the agreement he’d made with Sam long before this happened.  
  
_“If you get violent urges, I can take anything you can dish out._ ”  
  
This was the last thing he’d expected. If he truly were to analyze his life and his time with Sam he would accept that it was true. He did want his brother. He had spent years relieving his sexual fantasies with men and women. He was in love with Sam. He always had been. That was why he was willing to sacrifice everything for Sam, body and soul.  
  
Sam did come back into the motel room. He passed the bathroom door and stopped when he saw the blood on the carpet. The door was open a crack. He glanced at the door and saw Dean’s reflection in the mirror. Sam’s eyes were shimmering with emotion. He was so ashamed of what he’d done. The worst part was that he always remembered everything. “Dean, I’m s—..”  He started to apologize.  
  
The bathroom door was shut in his face.  
  
Dean closed his eyes. He wasn’t ready yet to face Sam.  
  
Sam sat down on the bed and buried his face in his hands. Dean insisted that they would find a way to stop this from happening but after last night, Sam was not sure anything could be salvaged of their relationship.  
  
*  


Dean had been in the bathroom for more than an hour. Sam sat by the window. He was tired and cranky. The aftermath of his personality switches often gave him seriously painful headaches. They were nothing compare to what Dean had suffered the night before. That had been the first time his other decided to use sex as a way to hurt his brother. What bothered Sam the most is that Dean reacted and seemed to enjoy it. What was worse, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.  
  
“Dean?” Sam called to the bathroom.  
  
There was no response. He didn’t expect one. He had hardly touched his coffee and he just needed to see Dean. He had to understand what happened. Why did he do it?  
  
Finally, the bathroom door opened and Dean emerged. He was fully clothed and appeared to have cleaned up. His face looked like it had had a close encounter with a wall several times but all other damage was hidden.  
  
“Hey, Sam” Dean said. He strode to the bed and stretched out on it.  
  
Ok, so it was a lame thing to ask. “Are you ok?”  
  
Dean gave him a grunt in response.  
  
“Dean.” Sam pressed.  
  
“What do you want me to say, Sam?”  
  
“I’m fine for starters might be nice.” Sam muttered. “Dean, I…”  
  
“No.” Dean sat up quickly. “Oh hell no, Sam.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.  
  
Sam eyed the bandage around Dean’s wrist. “It hurts doesn’t it?” He stood up and walked over to the bed. Dean tensed immediately. “It’s alright.  I’m good for while I think.” He sat on the bed and took his brother’s hand. He rolled up Dean’s sleeve and sighed when he saw how many inches the bandage covered.  
  
Dean’s hand trembled slightly and he cursed himself for lack of control. It wasn’t because he was afraid of Sam. “It’s nothing.” Dean shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ve had a lot worse.”  
  
Sam’s gaze lifted to the bruises on Dean’s neck he wasn’t able to hide. Those didn’t come from fingers, they were love bites, a whole series of them. He knew what they were because he remembered making them. Dean held Sam’s eyes the entire time he was studied. “Talk about out of the blue.” He took a deep breath.  
  
Dean scoffed. “Please, who can resist me, after all?”  
  
“Dean!” Sam would normally have punched him playfully but not today. “It’s not funny.”  
  
Dean laughed shortly, “It is, actually. It’s fucking hilarious. I’ve kept that from you for a good ten years, Sam. Dad didn’t even know.”  
  
“Kept what?” Sam frowned.  
  
“That I swing both ways.” Dean said harshly.  
  
Sam flushed. “Eh, Dean…” He shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “That wasn’t the first time, I –uh-…”  
  
Dean eyed Sam and had a hard time holding back a laugh. “Stanford?”  
  
Sam nodded ruefully. “Before Jess came along, I had a hard time keeping a girlfriend…”  
  
“Shit. That’s the last time I’m letting you go off to college.” He told Sam with a smirk. No matter what happened between them, he and Sam would always be brothers. He would always love Sam and always take care of him. It was his responsibility.  
  
“I have a feeling you don’t let guys do that to you a lot either, Dean.” Sam ventured. “Receiving was new, wasn’t it?”  
  
Dean grunted.  
  
“I was your first?” Sam half smiled. He was absurdly pleased by that.  
  
Dean snorted. There was no way he was actually going to admit that to Sam.  
  
Sam took a deep breath and exhaled. “There’s a lot I don’t understand about what happened, Dean. I want you to know how sorry I am and how I wish things were different. I wish you wouldn’t force yourself to do this. It’s not fair to you.”  
  
“Sammy.” Dean put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “What is it going to take to get you to understand ya can’t get rid of me? I’m sticking to you like glue, no matter what, and you know why.”  
  
Sam sighed. “I can’t predict this thing, Dean. I only know –when- it happens because my head hurts like hell. I wish you’d fight back.”  
  
“Not unless it’s life threatening.” Dean shrugged. “Sam, it’s not you, okay? Well, maybe it is but it’s not you. Whatever is triggering these episodes, we’ll find a way to stop it. Like we always do.”  
  
“I don’t want to go permanently dark side, Dean.” Sam’s lips trembled.  
  
“You won’t.”  
  
“How can you be so sure about that?”  
  
“I know you Sammy. You don’t hurt people.” Dean rubbed his brother’s shoulder. Sam leant into the touch almost unconsciously. Dean’s fingers moved up Sam’s shoulder to his neck. “Your head hurts?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“C’mere.”  
  
Sam moved closer and Dean gave him some room on the bed. He only used one hand and began a slow massage of his brother’s neck. Sam groaned his appreciation. “I don’t deserve this.”  
  
Dean smirked. “Did you really think I was going to stop being your brother just because you fucked me?”  
  
“The thought had occurred to me.” Sam admitted.  
  
Sam glanced up at his brother. “You’re taking this awfully well.”  
  
“One of us has to because if I wasn’t you’d be a pile of mush on the floor.” Dean smirked.  
  
There wasn’t much he could say to that, Dean was right. He didn’t know what he would have done if Dean had refused to talk to him. The problem was, Dean was not dealing with the real issue and he had no idea how to bring it up. Hell, sometimes he thought Dean was right, he was a wuss. His brother had so much more strength than he did. He had let the dark half of him take over after all. It was getting harder and harder to resist.  
  
He thought about his reaction to Dean now. His brother had a great body. He was compact and muscular with the most intriguing ass he’d ever seen on a guy. His cock didn’t seem to mind being close to Dean either if the heat it insisted on generating was anything to go by. Thinking about Dean’s ass caused his mouth to run dry and his body to press a little closer to his brother.  
  
Sam’s movement surprised Dean. He frowned as he drew his fingers up through Sam’s hair to rub his temples. “You alright there, Sammy?”  
  
“Yeah, just enjoying your touch” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Sam bit his lip as he felt Dean still.  
  
He heard his brother clear his throat. “Well, let’s get some food. I could use a drink or three as well. You?”  
  
“Yeah.” Sam said in a small voice. He pulled himself off the bed.  
  
*  
  
Things were safer at the local tavern. The lunch crowd was dissipating by the time the brothers got there but the food was still good and Dean could have the drinks he sorely needed. Also, it meant Sam would keep his mouth shut and read while he played pool and talked with the locals. The last thing Dean wanted to deal with today was his feelings and the way Sam was looking at him. He put a drink down next to his brother who had his computer open.  
  
“Here, loosen up a bit.” Dean advised, he was holding a pool stick with a grin. “I won a bunch of cash.  
  
“Take it easy on that stuff, Dean.” Sam warned.  
  
“Ehn.” Dean smirked. “Helps dull the pain, Sam.” He took another swig.  
  
Sam glared at Dean. “I’m not hauling you back to the motel drunk. Can we go?”  
  
“I’m not drunk, Sam.” Dean glanced at the pool game. “Find out anything?”  
  
“Yes, actually. There’s a guy I’m thinking about going to see. He lives in Maine. His name is Dr Lovichai. He’s a hypnotist. Apparently he can suppress dark energy. I’ve been reading up on a few of hi…”  
  
Dean cut Sam short. “Are you kidding? Sounds like a wacko to me. What if he messes with your head?”  
  
“Dean, how much more messed up can I get?” Sam pointed out.  
  
“You have a point.” Dean conceded. “Alright, Maine it is.”  
  
***  


Outskirts of Bucksport, Maine  
  
It wasn’t that much different than most of the towns by the sea in Main.  Dean wasn’t at all happy when Sam informed him of the town they were going to. “Haunted Cemeteries” and ghost hunters wasn’t exactly his idea of a fun time. A far as Dean was concerned, Maine was overrated.  
  
“Dean, how can you say that?” Sam argued. “Haven’t you read Steven King? Besides, Fort Knox is in Bucksport, I thought you’d get a kick out of that.”  
  
“Great. Ghost hunter wannabees and a butt load of feds, just what I need.” Dean grumbled. “So where does this Doctor work out of?”  
  
“He works at the Local Library.”  
  
“Of course he does.” Dean rolled his eyes.  
  
“At least he doesn’t work at Fort Knox. Besides, I have a disguise for you.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Sam pulled out a pair of nice looking glasses.  
  
“You gotta be kidding me.” Dean snorted.  
  
“It worked for Superman.”  
  
“That was a comic book, Sammy.”  
  
“It’s not like we have much of a choice these days Dean, we have to keep a low profile.”  
  
“I ain’t wearin’ glasses.” Dean ignored Sam who sighed and tucked the frames away for when Dean was in a better mood.  
  
Sam rolled his eyes. “You’ve been pissed off for the last three hours. Why don’t we take a break so you can stretch your legs? Looks like a rest stop is coming up, why don’t we pull off?”  
  
“I’m not pissed off.”  
  
“You are too.”  
  
“I’m not pulling over, we’ll be there in about 20 minutes.”  
  
Sam sighed and rubbed his face. “Fine, you know, just once I wish that you would tell me if it hurts too much to drive.”  
  
Dean cleared his throat. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“We are going to have to sometime.” Sam muttered. “It’s been two days and you’re still walking around funny, Dean. I’ve seen your face when you think I’m not looking. We should stop at a hospital, just to be sure.”  
  
“No.” Dean grunted.  
  
That was a final sounding no from his brother so Sam decided to shut up. Eventually they’d be in the motel and he could try and undo some of the damage. He’d been thinking about it for the whole trip to Maine and the last couple of nights sleeping across the room from Dean. He could hear his brother toss and turn trying to get comfortable and refusing to talk about reactions.  
  
When they arrived in Bucksport it was pouring rain, even the Impala seemed to be annoyed by the weather. They had to run to the room but still got drenched. “Whose idea was it to come to Maine?” Dean grumbled at Sam.  
  
“Just a little bracing weather.” Sam dumped his bag down. “Come on, Dean. We’ve been in worse.” He started to pull out of his wet clothes.  
  
Dean smirked. At Sam’s actions he tensed. It was only barely noticeable, but Sam could see it. He didn’t take his off. Instead, he just removed his boots and averted his eyes from his brother.  
  
“Dean?”  
  
There was no response, Dean kept his breathing normal and stood where he was, in defense mode. It was as if he was expecting to be hit.  
  
Sam frowned, “Hey? It’s me. No dark side.” Could Dean possibly be afraid of him? He wracked his brain, he’d read articles on people who had been victims of abuse but seeing it scared him badly. “Dean? Hey?”  
  
Dean shook himself as if waking up from a bad dream. “Huh? Sorry.” His body relaxed and he smiled. He turned away from Sam to open his bag for fresh clothes. “Guess I’m just jittery. New town, y’know.” He picked up his clothes and headed to the bathroom.  
  
When Dean closed the bathroom door Sam exhaled sharply. Dean never bothered being modest before. He’d seen the look in his brother’s eyes, the expectation of pain. God, what he wouldn’t give to never see that look again. He hoped that Dr Lovichai had the answer.  
  
He also noticed that his brother took a hell of a lot longer in the bathroom than he normally did. Sam decided it was time to find out what he was doing in there. He went up to the door and slowly turned the knob. He wasn’t going to knock, Dean would just lock the door. His eyes widened. Dean had one hand against the wall, his back to the door; he was naked and pulling on his cock.  
  
Sam couldn’t take his eyes off the sight. Dean’s back muscles rippled with each pull and Sam could now see the bruises and scars, the whip marks. He’d only used it a couple of times but it had left ugly welts across his brother’s ass and down one thigh. Dean had a bandage around his ribs, wrapped as tight as possible and it was probably because one might be broken. He saw the trail of bites from the back of his neck down under his shoulder. Dean grunted several times and gasped for breath. He froze when he heard the halfhearted words. “Please, please don’t stop.”  
  
  
Dean had said those words to him, he’d begged for Sam and Sam had drawn those words out of him. Now he was seeing his brother lost in a building orgasm and uttering the same sounds again. What had he done? Sam swallowed. How could he undo it? God, how could Dean stand to be around him?  
  
There was a stirring in him, a subtle change that made him try to warn Dean but it was too late. The sight of his brother had stirred that part of him he couldn’t control.  
  
_No…Not now… NO…_  
  
Sam laughed softly. “Hiding from me? You know that won’t work, Dean.”  
  
Dean’s head shot up at the sound of Sam’s voice. He was so close, so close to coming and those words hit him like a cold shower. He spun around his hand still on his cock.  
  
Sam clicked his tongue. “Sorry to interrupt your little fantasy, brother mine.” He stepped closer to Dean. “But I couldn’t pass this up. You were offering yourself like some kind of sweet candy, hoping I’d take the bait, weren’t you? Well, here I am!”  
  
“I locked that door.” Dean said sharply.  
  
Sam rolled his eyes, “You know you can’t keep a door between us, Dean. Now let me see.” He pushed Dean back up against the wall and trailed his fingers down the hard muscles of his brother’s chest. He shook his head. “”You look very thoroughly fucked, but still standing.”  
  
Dean said nothing; he simply gave Sam a smoldering look. He didn’t even flinch when Sam smacked his hand away from his cock.  
  
“That belongs to me. I told you that, but for some reason, you seem to take every opportunity to defy me, don’t you? Oh, I don’t feel like hurting you tonight. You’re no fun when you’re not healed. Tonight, I’m going to hurt you in an entirely different way.” Sam slipped his hand around the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him into a kiss.  
  
_A warm hot tongue was slipping against his. It was foreign and familiar at the same time. Sam whimpered at the heat building in his body. Strong hands were touching him, running down his back and in his hair. The kiss was so intense his head was spinning. Someone’s hand was working off his jeans. He wanted to touch their body, he rested his hands on the hard male chest and they ran over the rough bandage seeking tight nipples…  
  
Sam’s eyes flew open. He was kissing Dean! More to the point, Dean was kissing him, and god it felt so good. Dean was rubbing his cock, Dean was pulling down his jeans._  
  
“Dean!” Sam broke apart from his brother, his eyes wide. “It’s me.”  
  
“Sammy?” Dean’s eyes opened as well. “Shit. That goddamn bastard. I knew he was up to something.” Dean pulled away from Sam and ran a hand through his hair. “Get out, Sam. Let me get dressed.”  
  
“Dean?!” Sam couldn’t begin to assess his emotions. That kiss was probably one of the most intense he’d ever experienced.  
  
“Out, now!”  
  
Sam sighed and obeyed. He walked back into the living are though his legs could barely carry him.  
Dean snarled.  
  
_I’m going to hurt you in an entirely different way._  
  
Sam’s dark side was playing with him. It was toying with him; it could take control of Sam at any moment and wanted him to know it.  
  
He pulled on his clothing and stepped out to talk to Sam. His brother was sitting at the table and looked miserable. Sam lifted his eyes to Dean. “That was some kiss.” He swallowed.  
  
“Yeah, Awkward. Look, Sam.” Dean met Sam’s eyes. “It’s not you, ok? I ..” He couldn’t find the words, he was so bad at this shit. “It’s just a game your dark half is playing, a dangerous game. I’m going along with it for now. I’m not, I mean... shit.”  
  
Sam stared at his hands. “It’s just sex?” He said quietly.  
  
“Yeah, something like that.” Dean was relieved. Sam seemed to understand.  
  
“You don’t really want to kiss me?” Sam lifted his gaze back to his brother.  
  
Dean worked his jaw. “You’re my brother, Sammy. You do the math, you’re the genius.”  
  
Sam sighed; it was useless to talk to Dean sometimes. That hadn’t been a kiss because he was playing a game. He’d felt that kiss to the very core of his being.  
  
“Alright, let’s just forget it.” Sam nodded. Inside, all he wanted to do was step up to Dean, shake him, and then kiss him in every possible accessible place until all the sounds his brother made were of the pleasurable kind.  
  
“Good.” Dean nodded. “Let’s check out the library.”  
  
***

Later at the Library Dean watched Sam from the other end from the shadows in a corner. He was talking to one of the clerks which unfortunately gave Dean some time to think. After all, it was a library, with books and currently no hot chicks to hit on. Every time he thought, he could only think of Sam. That kiss had nearly broken him. Every time Sam touched him he couldn’t be sure whether the reaction or need was truly his Sam. Not anymore.  
  
Christ, it was hard. The hurt looks Sammy gave him and holding back when he didn’t want to. Yes, he wanted Sam and had for a long time but had never acted on it. It could never happen. It would destroy them. Hell, it was close to doing that already. Every time he thought about walking away he knew he couldn’t. They were miserable. That much he knew. He hoped to god that this doctor could help Sam. He hadn’t slept well in nearly a week since this started. He would never know what he’d wake up to. He had to keep on his guard at all times.  
  
Sam finally came back over to him. “Hey, well. His office is upstairs and I found out he goes to a seafood restaurant by the docks for dinner every day Wednesday, and since that’s today we can catch him there.”  
  
Dean nodded, “Ok, cool. What do we do until then?”  
  
“I checked out his book.” Sam smiled, “let’s go find someplace so I can read it.”  
  
“Cool, maybe we can also see if kids have been floating in people’s windows.”  
  
“Dude, that’s Salem’s lot and the Town is fictional.” Sam rolled his eyes. “So you have watched Stephen King at least.”  
  
“Yeah, who hasn’t?”  
  
Sam smirked, knowing full well the preoccupation with TV they had as kids. There hadn’t been much else to do while waiting for their dad to come home. “Come on.” He turned and headed through the library to the car, Dean at his side.  
  
Before they entered the Impala, Sam tossed the book in the front seat and rested on the hood of the car. All day long he couldn’t get the kiss out of his head. He wondered if he pretended to be evil would Dean kiss him again. The thought had run through his brain several times that day. He knew he couldn’t hurt Dean but maybe just a little white lie every now and then just to feel his brother’s touch? He could try now, for instance. It would feel so good. He was sure Dean wouldn’t catch on. No! Fuck! That was so wrong to even think about! He couldn’t use Dean like that. That was worse than the rape the evil side committed. Well, technically not if Dean wanted it and how did he know for sure? Sam just shook his head at the thought and sat down.  
  
Dean eyed him, “What?”  
  
“What do you mean what?”  
  
“You gave me a strange look just then, like you wanted to ask something but didn’t. Spill it, Sam.” Dean turned on the ignition.  
  
Sam snorted. “Nothing, Dean.” He pulled out the book.  
  
Dean shook his head, “I know you too well, Sam. You had that look you get when your mind is calculating something,”  
  
“Just wondering uh, about what I’m going to say to this guy.” Sam quickly came up with an excuse.

  
Dean scoffed, “Alright. Alright.”  
  
*  
  
“So, that’s the ~guy?~” Dean smirked.  
  
The lady sitting on her own at a small table near the corner of the restaurant looked to be 85 at least. She had long flowing white hair and piercing blue eyes. Her pale green suit was perfectly pressed and spotless. She probably weighed 90 pounds.  
  
“The website didn’t say.” Sam stared at her nervously. Something about the woman made his spine tingle. She was drinking tea and having a very light meal of soup and shrimp scampi.  
  
After they got their table and ordered, Sam rose to walk over to the woman. “Excuse me, are you Dr Lovichai?” He half smiled and felt extremely self-conscious being so tall compared to the tiny woman.  
  
“I don’t give interviews on the fly, young man.” She responded sharply a southern drawl to her voice. “You can speak with my secretary like everyone else.”  
  
Sam glanced back at Dean who shrugged.  
  
This was the first time he’d seen Sam’s puppy dog look fail. He was impressed, Dean grinned to himself. He already liked this woman.  
  
Sam cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Doctor. I didn’t come over here for an interview. I’m sorry, I’m Sam. Sam Patterson.” He offered his hand. “I need your help.”  
  
Dr Lovicai eyed Sam’s hand like it might be a snake. She didn’t take it, instead she nodded. “So you say. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, Mr. Winchester, is someone who lies to me in the first few minutes he speaks. Run along and let an old lady enjoy her dinner, will you?”  
  
Sam’s eyebrows rose as she stated his real name. “You know who I am?”  
  
“Scat.” She waved her hand. “The only person I want to talk to is Dean. You tell him to come by my office first thing in the morning, bright and early. Eight am.”  
  
Sam gave a short sound of surprise and nodded. “Sure.” He backed off, the woman’s stare just seemed to penetrate his soul.  
  
“So?” Dean asked when he sat back down in the book.  
  
“Man, she’s creepy.” Sam shuddered. “She didn’t want to talk to me, she asked for you though. Eight am tomorrow. She knew who we were. Do you think it’s a trap?”  
  
“We’ll check it out. Me, huh?” He glanced back at the old woman. He’d never seen her before. “Ok. What’s the matter, Sam, you losin’ your touch?” He winked at his brother.  
  
“I don’t think so.” Sam snorted. “Dean, I think we should be really careful tomorrow morning. I don’t think this was the best idea after all.”  
  
“Just because she didn’t swoon?” Dean laughed. “Come on, Sam. Let’s eat. She doesn’t look like she’s calling the cops or anything so I think she’s cool.”  
  
Sam didn’t feel so sure. The old woman was ignoring both of them. There was something about her; he just couldn’t put his finger on what. He also didn’t trust that she wanted to talk to Dean. His lips pursed and he barely ate his meal.  
  
*  
  
When they went back to the Motel, Sam was still agitated; he tried reading her book while Dean lay back against pillows and watched TV. “Man, I take it back about Maine; the seafood here is something else.” He patted his stomach.  
  
Sam glanced to where Dean’s hand was. Shit. He really didn’t like this situation one bit. His body was tense like a caged tiger waiting to spring. He couldn’t concentrate on his book.  
  
“Man, nothings on.” Dean sighed. “Re-runs.”  
  
“You should sleep.” Sam said softly. “You haven’t been.”  
  
“And you know why.” Dean countered.  
  
Sam didn’t know what made him do it. He rose from the table and stalked over to Dean. He stopped immediately when he saw his brother brace himself. “Dean, it’s just me.” He reassured him.  
  
“You could have fooled me.” Dean rasped.  
  
Hell. Sam couldn’t take this anymore. He let out a plaintive growl and reached forward. His fists bunched in Dean’s shirt and he dragged his is brother up. The clear look of surprise was obvious. “It’s just me, Dean.” Sam said as softly as he possibly could. “I’ve been thinking about this all day. Please tell me you want it. Stop telling me what you think I want to hear, Dean. I want to kiss you so badly I can taste it. I just don’t want you to shut down on me. Please, Dean. Let me kiss you. Please.”  
  
It was a trick, Dean was sure of it. He searched Sam’s eyes. After the past few days, he just didn’t know anymore. “What if you change, Sam? You’re confused, we both are. How do you know it’s really what you want?”  
  
Sam did –not- miss that Dean hadn’t said he didn’t want to be kissed. “It hurts too much to not be real, Dean.”  
  
Dean sighed heavily. He reached to touch Sam’s face and slide his fingers down his cheek. Sam turned his head to kiss Dean’s palm. Dean drew a shaky breath. “As much as I want this to be real, Sammy, I can’t take the chance. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Let me make this up to you, Dean.” Sam whispered.  
  
Dean’s resolve was crumbling fast. He couldn’t resist that look much longer. It killed him, but he knew what was going to happen if he gave in. Sam’s dark side would come out. Did he care anymore? Was kissing Sam worth the pain?  
  
Hell –yes-.  
  
But was kissing Sam worth seeing anguish in his brother’s eyes on a daily basis? No. He wasn’t going to put his brother through that. His thumb traced Sam’s lip. “I want to kiss you, Sam.” He confessed. “And I want you to kiss me. But I want it to be you, not him.”  
  
“It is me, Dean.” Sam gave a soft moan of need.  
  
Dean wanted so much for it to be true, he caved and let their lips connect. The first touch was a tentative thing which soon escalated into a hungry need. Oh god… Sam’s tongue was wrapped around his. Heat…Fire… he was burning with need, so starved for this. They fell on the bed, Sam under Dean. There was a squeak from his brother. “What?” He panted, gasping for breath as he looked into Sam’s eyes.  
  
“You’re heavy.” Sam noted.  
  
Dean laughed. It was the first time Sam had seen Dean laugh in a long time and he sniggered a bit himself. “You’re still you.” He ran his fingers through Sam’s hair.  
  
“Yeah” Sam smiled widely. “There is one way I can make up what I did to you, Dean.” He lifted his hips up meaningfully though his brother had him pinned to the bed.  
  
“Just shut up and let me kiss you.” Dean demanded.  
  
Sam’s heart lifted, to hear the sound of hope in his brother’s voice was music to his ears. He wanted to savor it and hold it in his heart for the dark times. “Dean, I want you.” He assured his brother.  
  
“Not tonight” Dean shook his head. “Tonight I just want to kiss you.”  
  
The next few hours were dizzy for Sam. He had never been stripped of every defense imaginable by someone’s tongue and lips before. Dean had found just about every sensitive spot on his body and taken advantage of it. He had finally come while his brother’s tongue was lapping a nipple. Dean had turned the tables on him and wouldn’t let him be in control of anything. He was now curled up under his brother and wrapped around him.  
  
Dean was asleep finally.  
  
***  


Waking up in Dean’s arms was new for Sam; in fact, it was so new he was disoriented at first. The sun was rising and he yawned. His head was nestled against Dean’s neck, one leg was tucked In between Dean’s. He was afraid to say something in case it might break the aura of what might be the most perfect morning in his life. His body was warm and still tingled. He couldn’t stop his brain from remembering Dean licking him. His cock was getting hard just thinking about it.  
  
He felt Dean stir and mumble something about forgetting to close the curtain. They would have to get up in a couple of hours for his brother’s appointment. Sam wanted more though. After finally being able to touch Dean the way he wanted to he had to have more. In the back of his head he heard a stirring.  
  
Oh no…please god, no.  
  
Sam disentangled himself from Dean while he still had control. He stumbled to the bathroom and washed his face, desperately trying to control himself.  
  
_“You know what you want to do right now, take him. He won’t resist. He’s used to it now. You can fuck him all you want. He likes it hard. He loves your cock. Stick it down his mouth, he’ll suck you with those perfect lips and he’ll love it.”_  
  
No.  
  
Sam gripped the countertop, heat was pooling in his cock and his legs trembled slightly.  
  
“ _Why are you in here, when you could be taking it out on him? All the pain you’ve endured is because of him and your father, after all. Let go, Sammy. I want to play. I have a new game for Dean.”  
_  
No.  
  
Sam tried to think of anything else but sex with Dean. He had to focus on something that would calm this need down. He wouldn’t let it out, not after last night. This time he’d maintain control. Dean would be so hurt.  
  
_“Dean likes the pain, Sam. You know he does. He lives for it. He wants you to hurt him. He wants you to run the tip of your knife down one thigh and the other. Then he wants you to fuck him. The pain is a rush for him. Sammy. Sammy. You remember how he called your name the first time?”_  
  
Sam stepped into the shower and turned the cold water on. It was the only thing he could think of doing. He closed his eyes and wished he had ice to wash over his body and numb the voice in his head. It apparently was the right thing to do, because after ten minutes of cold water he couldn’t hear his dark side whispering anymore. His head pounded and he sighed. A headache was worth it.  
  
He went back into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist. He wanted nothing more than to crawl back into the bed with Dean and just lie there, curled up, but he couldn’t take the chance. He sighed and got dressed.  
  
*  
When Dean woke it was to Sam shaking his shoulder awake. “Dean, bro, time to get up, have to take you to see the doc in an hour.” He started and frowned when he noticed Sam was fully clothed and had apparently already eaten. There was something on the table for him of course.  
  
“Mmm.” Dean grunted. “Why’d she have to make it Eight am?” He yawned and pulled himself up off the bed.  
  
“Go take a shower; I’ll nuke this for you so it’ll be hot.” Sam smiled at Dean.  
  
For a moment, his brother just stared at him as though there was something he wanted to say and just didn’t have any words to say it with.  
  
“I know Dean.” Sam said softly. “Shower, eat, meet with the Doc, we’ll talk about this later, ok?”  
  
“Yes, Mom” Dean grunted as he sauntered to the shower. Sam took the liberty of smacking him in the ass and was rewarded with the finger in response instead of a tensed up, defensive Dean.  
  
*  
  
Sam sat in the waiting room, nervous. They’d cased the library before going in. There didn’t seem to be any cop activity but he wasn’t taking any chances. They both came prepared. Dean was stretched out next to him eyeing the secretary. Sam rolled his eyes, ‘You’re unbelievable!” He glared at his brother.  
  
“So you told me several times last night while you were screaming my name.” Dean whispered back without changing his expression once.  
  
Sam growled at him.  
  
“Mr Winchester.” The secretary looked at Dean. “Doctor Lovichai will see you now.”  
  
“Bout Damn time.” Dean stood up and walked towards the office door, He paused to grab some candy from the dish on the way in. As he closed the door, he winked at Sam.  
  
*  
  
“Dean, I half expected you not to show up. Come in.” The doctor was behind her desk. The room was wall to wall books complete with artifacts that probably should be in a museum rather than a library. They appeared to be from various religions. He sat down in one of the leather swivel chairs across from the doctor.  
  
“Hey Doc, I’m the wrong one, you know. You should be talking to my brother, Sam.”  
  
“No, I have the right Winchester.” She peered at him through a pair of gold plated spectacles. She pulled out a file. “Dean Winchester; wanted in several states for murder, grave desecration, credit card fraud…and the list goes on and on.”  
  
Dean frowned, “What the hell have you got that for? Did you set me up?” he went for his gun.  
  
“Relax, Mr Winchester. I have no intention of letting the authorities know you’re in town. The authorities wouldn’t be able to hold you anyway and they’ve got their heads so far up their asses they wouldn’t know where to even begin to help you. Tea?” She had a pot of hot tea on her desk in an ancient looking pitcher.  
  
“No, thanks, so tell me what this is about?”  
  
“Your brother is the issue, you are the solution.” Doctor Lovichai said simply. “In the world in which I travel it is not customary to give hell a fighting chance by letting its conduits live. I have brought you here this morning to warn you and I’m actually sticking my neck out here pretty far, Dean so you’d better listen to what I have to say.”

  
“So, Say it.” Dean snapped.  
  
“You are going to have to kill him someday, Dean.” Doctor Lovichai said with a grim smile. “I’m an old woman. I’ve seen the way demons work for a lot of years and I’ve seen a lot of good people die. I was a hunter in my day back when there was very little control over the dark streets. You’ve come here because he thinks I can help him. The only way to help Sam is to kill him before what’s inside him takes complete control.”  
  
“I don’t believe you.” Dean said sharply. “No way, and anyone who wants to must come through me first. Sam said you had an ability to suppress evil. Can’t you at least try?”  
  
‘I can suppress it, but when the time comes, nothing will stop it. You need to kill him while you still have the chance. If you don’t, someone else will. I’ve heard the talk and his name is on a lot of lips lately in the spiritual world with which you might have guessed I am connected.”  
  
“If you can help him, even for a little bit, please. Do it.” Dean swallowed, “I’m beggin’ you, I need time.” He didn’t care about anything other than buying some more time.  
  
Doctor Lovichai frowned as she looked at Dean. Her heart went out to him. The rumors were true. There were several demons who had said Dean was in love with Sam. They’d said that Sam was always going to be protected because his brother wouldn’t let anything happen to him. “Dean. I can’t make any guarantees but I will help you. It is, after all, what I do.”  
  
“What exactly are you?”  
  
“I thought it was obvious, Dean.”  
  
Dean raised a brow.  
  
“I am a Doctor of paranormal psychology. I am human, like you. Nothing more, nothing less. I simply know what really is out there.”  
  
Dean nodded, he could accept that. “What do I have to do?”  
  
***

  
When Dean walked out of the Doctor’s office, He’d been in there for a couple of hours and Sam knew something was wrong. When they got back into the car and Sam reached over to Dean. His brother lifted up a hand warding him off. “Don’t touch me.”  
  
Sam didn’t move. He eyed Dean. “What the hell is wrong with you now? Will you at least tell me what happened in there?”  
  
Dean worked his jaw, “Sammy.” He said with a scowl. “It’s just that…” He was about to say something then stopped.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Everyone asks me to do things I can’t do.” Dean responded slowly. “It’s like they think I’m some kind of hero, Sam. I just can’t do it anymore.”  
  
Sam shifted and looked at Dean, he smiled a little. “You are a hero, Dean. You are so much more of one than I am.”  
  
“You don’t understand, Sam.” Dean shook his head. He ran a hand through his hair. “I was in there for an hour or more arguing with the bitch. She says she’ll help you but it has to be at a certain time and place. She’s given me the name of a cemetery where we’re supposed to meet her on the first night of the half-moon. Three days from now.”  
  
“What is she going to do?”  
  
“I can’t tell you.” Dean said. “That’s the problem. I can’t tell you.”  
  
Sam suppressed a look of fear. “Oh shit.” He gripped his door handle.  
  
‘Yeah, I know. Your other half is going to do everything he can to get the information from me when he gets loose next.” Dean drew a shaky breath.  
  
“You’ll have to fight me this time, Dean.” He told his brother cautiously. “You can’t just take it.”  
  
“No, Sam. I can’t.” Dean shook his head. “That’s what I kept telling her. I’ll just take it. Everything, I can’t hurt you, Sam.”  
  
If there was one person he knew that was the most stubborn person in the history of the world it was Dean Winchester. Sam sighed. This time when he reached over to touch Dean’s neck he didn’t flinch away. “Three days?”  
  
“She said that if I didn’t bring you to them, they’d come for us.”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“She’s a member of what they call the ‘higher order’. Some kind of elite hunter society, I don’t know. She says that they owe Dad, but won’t say why. So they’ll do this but they would rather I just kill you now. We could just run, Sam.” He leant into the long fingers massaging his neck. “Go somewhere, I don’t care. Good, evil, I don’t give a fuck anymore.” Dean rasped. “I’ll do anything, Sam.”  
  
Sam leant forward quickly and kissed Dean. It was in no way a chaste kiss. He tore into his brother’s defenses and hit the emotion button that made Dean surrender. He didn’t even care that it was broad daylight and midmorning. He didn’t care that people were walking by and could see them. He pushed his tongue passed Dean’s lips and gained access to his warmth within. The fire escalated inside him until he realized just exactly how inconvenient their location was. Dean panted when Sam finally released his lips. “I don’t want to hurt you, Dean.” Sam touched his brother’s face.  
  
“You know I can’t kill the only person in the world I love, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “You’re the only person that matters, no matter what you do to me.”  
  
Sam held Dean’s eyes a long time. He kissed his brother again and he smiled. “I knew I could count on you, Dean.” He rested an arm over his brother’s chest and pretended as if he was going to get into Dean’s lap right then and there. Instead, he drew a long syringe from out of his pocket and concealed it with his hand. His other self was just waiting for the chance to use it on Dean and incapacitate him.  
  
Dean smiled; his eyes held Sam’s even as he lifted his fist and released the dust he'd kept there since he got out of the Doctor’s office. Dean watched with a grim smile as Sam was thrown backwards to the other door and the syringe fell to the floor of the Impala.  
  
Sam’s eyes were black as night as he regarded his brother. “You tricked me.” His skin sizzled from the contact of the red dust and his vision was swimming. Not to mention the fact that he was paralyzed.  
  
“Yeah” Dean nodded with an evil smile of his own. “Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?”  
  
He leant forward and looked as though he was considering hitting Sam right the and there. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You want me to take it out on him. Don’t think I don’t plan to kick his ass later, but fuck you; you’re not getting my brother.” He looked up at the doctor’s window and gave her thumbs up, she nodded. “That stuff won’t let you hide behind Sammy now, either. You can’t leave this time until I let you. You don’t know my brother like I do. He knew the Doc was someone special he just didn’t let on and kept it in the back of his mind. He’s stronger than you give him credit for you evil sonofabitch.”  
  
“I am Sam, Dean. I have his memories his feelings.” Sam tried moving but failed.  
  
“You don’t have shit.” Dean turned on the ignition. “You’re an abomination of Sam, you’re not Sam.”  
  
*  
  
Salt wasn’t going to work in this case. He stayed at the other end of the room while Sam watched him. Dean had thought about blindfolding his brother so he didn’t have to look in his eyes but forget that. Instead he drank. He knew Sam was fighting the paralysis and he also knew it wouldn’t last. It would give him 12 hours and he had a few more doses. He just hoped he could handle his brother when the dust wore off.  
  
The television was on some entertainment channel he and Sam sometimes watched when they were bored.  
  
“You’re wondering what I’m going to do to you when I get free, aren’t you?” Sam said. “Should I tell you what he wants to do or what I want to do?”  
  
Dean patted the brown pouch at his waist. “You haven’t got a chance.”  
  
“You underestimate Sam’s powers.”  
  
“You underestimate my resolve.”  
  
“No Dean, I understand you perfectly. You want your brother, you want your life to be perfect but it never will be and you know it. You know you can’t win…”  
  
“Not yet.” Dean took another swig of beer as he glanced at Sam. It made him sick whenever he saw his beautiful brother’s eyes as black as pitch.  
  
“I’ll let you have me, Dean, if you let me go.” Sam said with a lick of his lips. “I know you want to fuck me, you always have. You can’t stand it that I took you first. You’re no one’s bitch, Dean and we both know it..”  
  
“You didn’t take me.” Dean said after a while. “I let you.”  
  
“It’s the same thing. You’ll always know I fucked you first and you begged for it. You sobbed when I finally took you, and you were a bitch in heat fucking yourself on my fingers, a wanton little whore.”  
  
Dean closed his eyes from the truth and flexed his fingers.  
  
“You aren’t going to get rid of me, Dean. Whatever it is you’ve got planned, it won’t work. I’m going to break free and I’m going to rip you to shreds when I’m done with you.”  
  
That’s it. He’d had enough.  
  
Dean stalked over to his bag and rummaged in it.  
  
Ah hah!  
  
*  
  
Dean had to admit that the duct tape was doing a better job than he thought it would. The peace was wonderful. He swathed his French fries in ketchup and cheese sauce, fresh from the diner. “Man, these are good, nice and hot.” He knew very well Sam had to be starving and had something set aside for his brother in a bag but he’d have to actually feed it to Sam and that would be more than a little dangerous.  
  
He snickered as he caught Sam staring at him. “I’ll get to you when I’m done.” He assured his brother. “I wouldn’t let my little brother starve after all.”  
  
He knew he was being a jerk, but he was entitled.  
  
Dean finished with his own meal and got Sam’s out. He pulled his brother’s chair over with his foot and tugged off the duct tape with relish. “Gonna be good now?” He raised a brow.  
  
“Jerk.”  
  
“Oh, no, *you* don’t get to call me that.” Dean growled. “Now, ask nicely, you want to eat, don’t ya?”  
  
Sam nodded.  
  
“Still can’t move?” He poked at Sam to test and sure enough, his brother’s arms and legs were still paralyzed. “Damn that stuff is good. Ok. I cut up your burger.” He picked up a large piece. “Open up.”  
  
The next few moments went by quickly, thank god because the Sam had figured out a new way to drive him crazy. He would lick Dean’s fingers to get some melted cheese and occasionally suck on one. Rather than pull away as he should, Dean’s fingers stayed in Sam’s mouth. “I bet I could make you come just by licking your fingers.” Sam whispered.  
  
Dean was pretty damn sure that was true. His brain had short-circuited. The things that mouth could do. His cock was already twitching and hard. He wiped sweat from the back from his head. Sam’s tongue ran up and down one finger, teasing the edges. He sucked it all the way down and pulled off with a ‘pop’.  
  
He gave a plaintive growl and wrenched his hand away as Sam laughed. “You’re done eating.” Dean gave him a drink and went back for the duct tape.  
  
He stood by the window and panted. Sam was right, he’d been very close to coming even when he’d –known- it wasn’t Sam. He had no excuse. Jesus, God make time go by fast. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.  
  
***

Dean woke, drenched in sweat. He’d had a nasty dream, one of those that you don’t recall right away because you’re too afraid to. He glanced over at the form of his brother who was sleeping peacefully in the next bed. As peacefully as you could get when you were under the influence of a paralyzing spell. He’d since taken the duct tape off after he’d elicited a promise that there would be no baiting. What time was it? 2:30. Dean sighed. At this rate, he’d never make it through the next couple of days. Sam looked so damn beautiful in the moonlight; he could almost forget the fact that pure evil was concealed in that sheep’s skin.  
  
It was an evil that he would one day have to live with or die with since he’d already made the decision that he couldn’t kill Sam. Sam was his salvation, good or evil, that was the way it always had been since the day he first held his baby brother in his arms the night after their Mom died.  
  
_I’ll protect you, Sammy_. That was his vow.  
  
He didn’t plan on falling in love with Sam. He didn’t plan on getting his heart wrenched out when his brother left them to go to college. He had said nothing. Dad always had the last word. He’d hoped that actions were enough but they never were. Sam needed words that he didn’t have. Back then, he wondered if Sam would have stayed had he told him the truth.  
  
_I need you, Sammy._ That was his truth.  
  
The pain was nothing compared to the need. The evil in Sam had known to use it against him. So somewhere inside his brother there was that knowledge that he had complete control over Dean. The thing had known all along that Dean wanted Sam. Dean needed Sam to feel alive. When he had plunged the dildo in his ass and made Dean beg, it had known. It had drawn every sin from Dean’s lips that night and it had flayed his soul alive. And Dean hadn’t fought back. Not once. Not even when Sam came into the hotel room and pretended to cuff him for fun. He hadn’t known what was going to happen. He’d thought it was a prank. How could Sam want him back? How could he believe that that was real?  
  
_I love you Sammy_. That was his weakness.  
  
Dean loved Sam, unconditionally. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his brother and there was nothing that he wouldn’t try and get for Sam when Sam needed it. Yeah, sometimes he was an asshole, but usually it was for Sam’s own good. Girls that were not good enough for his brother didn’t ever seem to find their way to him. They always wound up with Dean. He hadn’t even thought that Sam would be interested in men. He could not believe that Sam loved him in the way he wanted to be loved. For weeks after Sam left all he did was find any piece of ass to fuck and forget. It never worked. His heart had been torn out.  
  
It had never healed from that moment even when he went to pick up Sam at Stanford. Seeing him with Jessica had been his wake up call. Sam was happy. That was good, Dean was happy that Sam was happy. He’d let Sam go back to her as he slowly closed up his heart again. Then Jessica died, and Sam was his again. It was just them and Dean knew that Sam had made a choice between him and Jessica that night. Dean knew that if Sam had to make that choice again it would still be Jessica. Sam didn’t want this life.  
  
_Anything for you, Sammy._  
  
That was his promise. Until his dying breath, Dean would sacrifice all for Sam. That was his job, his one purpose. So yeah, evil or good, it didn’t matter which side was in control. One way or the other, Dean would do what was best for Sam even if it meant his own heart and soul were squashed into oblivion in the process. Sam was worth it.  
  
“What are you thinking about, Dean?” Sam’s eyes opened and met his brother’s. It wasn’t Sam. It wouldn’t be until the Doctor could do her work. Dean missed his brother’s eyes. The voice was Sam; there was even a tiny hint of concern.  
  
“Nothin’.” Dean turned away. He couldn’t bear to look into those hateful eyes.  
  
“You’re thinking about me, aren’t you?”  
  
“Not you.”  
  
“It’s the same thing, Dean. Better or worse, take your pick.”  
  
Dean closed his eyes. “It is very different.”  
  
“It’s not Dean. You feel the same way no matter what I do to you. You love me that much.” Sam watched his brother try and steel his expression. “Sometimes it scares me, you know?”  
  
“Shut up.” Dean swore between his teeth. “You don’t know anything.”  
  
“I know what I feel. Would it surprise you if I told you I felt the same way?”  
  
Dean’s eyes flew open and he stared at Sam. Anger surged in his heart. “You can’t feel this way. You don’t know what love is.”  
  
“I do, Dean. Why do you think I didn’t kill you?” Sam laughed softly as he saw the color drain from his brother’s face and was amused. “Yeah, I could have killed you any time I wanted when I had you at my mercy, but I didn’t. Did you ever stop to wonder why?”  
  
Dean refused to answer; he was too busy trying to control his anger.  
  
“I can’t kill you Dean.” Sam said his voice so cold it made Dean’s skin tingle. “But causing you pain is a rush you can’t even hope to imagine. It’s a drug, Dean, the power you give me over your soul.”  
  
The next words caused Dean to exhale sharply, because they were nothing but the cold hard truth.  
  
“You can’t escape it; you can’t even sell your soul.”  
  
Sam reached with one hand, startling Dean.  
  
Dean grunted as he felt his body slam into the bed. Shit!! The dust, goddamn mother fucking… He’d been very successfully distracted…”Sam!” He cried out.  
  
“You can’t sell it, because I already own it.” Sam sat up and watched Dean as he writhed and tried to throw off the invisible grip on his body. “Your dust is rare, a mock of true power but I adapted. It took me some time. They obviously have no idea what they’re dealing with.” He cracked his neck and stretched. “Getting the answers from you is going to be fun, but first I think I’ll play.” Sam stepped back, the invisible hands let Dean go and his brother panted, scrambling for breath.  
  
Dean looked from Sam to where the powder was on the table and back to Sam. He knew he’d never get it in time.  
  
“Take off your clothes.”  
  
Dean glared at Sam, his fists clenched.  
  
Sam smirked. “It’ll be a lot easier on you if you just do what I tell you. You know you want to anyway.”  
  
Dean stood and faced Sam, his expression hard. He stripped his shirt and jeans, holding his brother’s eyes hoping for a sign of change.  
  
Something, anything. Sammy…. the dust isn’t in effect, come back to me.  
  
“You’re not completely bare to me, take off the bandages. I want to see the damage.”  
  
Dean grunted as he unwound the tape and gauze exposing still healing wounds to the night air. It took some time but he was finally done.  
  
“Lie with your face down on the bed and spread your legs.”  
  
Dean closed his eyes and did as he was told.  
  
A few moments went by and he felt the bed shift. Sam had knelt down next to him. He trailed his hand down each fresh wound and applied pressure.  
  
Dean grunted but made no further sound. His brain was getting fuzzy. No matter what Sam was doing to him, those hands were difficult to resist.  
  
“I told you earlier today I could make you come just by touching your skin.” Sam said. He leant down and ran his tongue down the bruise on Dean’s ribs and found the welt across his thighs from the whip. He teased the skin and dipped his fingers down and up. He found all bruises and cuts on Dean’s body with his tongue and fingers, each one received intense attention.  
  
Dean bit back a sharp moan. This was a different kind of torture. He hated himself when he heard his brother’s chuckle. “Kissing your wounds is more fun than making them, Dean.”  
  
He could feel Sam’s cock hard against him and knew he was helplessly caught. The point had been made.  
  
Sam owned his soul.  
  
***

It was the Devil’s own sense of humor, he supposed.  
  
Dean lay where he was. The joke was that even if he wanted to move, he couldn’t. It was the biggest joke in the universe and it was at his expense. The long arms wrapped around him weren’t the ones he wanted, but he couldn’t move out of them. The harsh laughter he heard when he’d come the second time wasn’t the sound he cherished in his heart. Somewhere on the road with Sam he’d lost himself. His body screamed in pain. Oh, he wasn’t bleeding and he had no new wounds but his heart and soul were broken.  
  
Forgive me, Sam. He wanted to say. He’d failed his brother. Evil or Good, Dean loved Sam. As long as Sam was alive and with him, it didn’t matter who he was. It didn’t.  
  
“I know you’re awake.” He heard the sound of his brother’s voice. “And I think it’s time you gave me some answers.”  
  
“You know I won’t talk.” Dean swallowed.  
  
“You will, Dean.” Sam said as he pulled away and got up from the bed. He stared down at his elder brother. Dean looked away from him. Sam growled and punched him fiercely. As Dean reeled back, he caught his arm and squeezed. “You don’t get to do that anymore, Dean. You look at me when I’m like this.”  
  
Dean’s eyes snapped back to Sam’s. It’d been too long since he’d seen his brother’s eyes and he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting it. Where was Sam? He bit back a groan of pain. He did not even brace himself when another blow landed him back on the bed.  
  
Had he not been in such a haze of pain he would have noticed the sounds and seen the shadows. He would have had the energy to fight. A canister crashed through the window and a smoke filled the room. Sam coughed and pulled away from Dean. He glared angrily around noting the several shapes that had entered the room, one was heading to Dean.  
  
That particular shape was knocked back against the wall by Sam’s telekinetic powers. The man groaned. “Shit”  
  
Dean squinted through the light of the smoke, coughing himself. He rubbed his sore eyes. The shape looked vaguely familiar. It came back to him as a few others engaged Sam. “Easy does it kiddo.”  
  
“Bobby?” Dean groped in the darkness. “Don’t let them hurt Sam.”  
  
“That ain’t Sam, Dean.”  
  
Dean was about to protest but he was knocked out from behind by a lady with long silver hair. “Thanks for coming Bobby.” Dr Lovicai nodded. “Told you he was in bad shape, he didn’t seem to want to listen to us.”  
  
*  
  
“Dean has a blind spot when it comes to Sam.” Bobby reached down and heaved Dean over his shoulder. “You’re right; he needed to be saved from himself.” He glanced over at where Sam was still fighting the hunters. “You’ll take care of him?”  
  
‘Yes. I’ll meet you there.” The Dr nodded.  
  
*  
  
Bright light shone down into his eyes and Dean smacked away the person standing near him. “Get the fuck off me.” He growled.  
  
“Please settle down, Mr Winchester.” The young lady’s voice was calm and controlled.  
  
Young lady  
  
Dean opened one eye. Some kind of hospital room, he attempted to open the other one but it was squeezed shut. “Where am I?” he demanded. The woman was  
  
“I am not at liberty to say, Mr Winchester. I’ve been told to tell you not to panic, Sam is safe and you need to rest. This order comes from your friend Mr Singer brought you in here.”  
  
“Bobby.” Dean flashed back to seeing Bobby’s face just before getting knocked out.  
  
“You had some pretty serious injuries, Mr Winchester. Left untreated you could have had permanent damage. Three of your ribs were broken and you’d lost a lot of blood.”  
  
“I don’t remember losing that much blood.”  
  
“Your friend told me you were on an adrenalin rush. Would you mind lifting your arm up, I need to take your pulse again.”  
  
She was young and sweet and had kind eyes. Dean felt himself warming up to her almost immediately. “Where’s Sam?”  
  
“He’s in a room down the hall, but he can’t be disturbed just now.”  
  
“How long have I been out? Dean assessed her pretty quickly, young probably 23, short hair, dyed red, blue eyes. Probably just out of nursing school.  
  
“Actually I’m not at liberty to tell you, sir.” She smiled again.  
  
“Could you at least tell me what date it is?” Dean read her name tag, “Lucy? You’re a nurse named Lucy?”  
  
She smiled again. “Your pulse is normal today, Mr Winchester. If you would just take your medication, I’m going to go tell the guard you’ve woken up.”  
  
There was a tray with a small cup of water and a smaller cup with a couple of pills in it. Dean looked at them suspiciously.  
  
“Just for the pain, sir.” She explained.  
  
“Mmm” Dean took the cup. “Down the hatch” He saluted her with a wink. She watched him as he put the pills in his mouth and drank. “Ahh…”  
  
“Mr Winchester. I wasn’t born yesterday.” She said with a snort. “Do I need to make those two nice men come in here?” She indicated the very large looking guards outside his door. They didn’t look federal, but they did look like marines and Dean had since notice he had no window. “I promise you, it’s just for pain.”  
  
Dean sighed and knew he couldn’t get away with it, even just out of grad school, she made a good nurse. “You can give me a sponge bath anytime you want.” He told her good naturedly.  
She laughed and wrote some things down on his chart. “This is the first time you’ve said anything coherent since they brought you in here, Mr Winchester. I’m taking it as a good sign. Let me see your right arm.”  
  
Dean offered it to her, frowning when he noticed the cast. His head was beginning to clear a bit more. She tested his reaction when she prodded his fingers. He seemed to have no trouble moving his hand.  
  
“You were in pretty bad shape.” She told him kindly. “If they hadn’t pulled you out of that situation you were in, you may not have survived.”  
  
“Funny I don’t remember being this hurt.” He groaned as he struggled to sit up.  
  
“Adrenalin, Mr Winchester. When Dr Lovichai saw you that morning she knew it. You were walking based on will alone. You really have no idea the extent of damage that was done to you, do you?” She gave Dean a sympathetic look. “Don’t worry, it was nothing permanent. It will all heal in time.”  
  
Dean nodded, frown creasing his brow. “I’m not sure I understand, but ok.”  
  
“When Bobby comes back later this evening, he’ll explain everything.”  
  
“I want to see Sam.” Dean said carefully. “I need to know he’s alright.”  
  
“Your brother is fine, Dean. Doctor Lovichai was able to help him. We’re more worried about you right now.”  
  
“I’m peachy.” Dean grinned, and wiggled the fingers of his hand. A sharp pain went down through his arm and he grimaced. “Fuck. Listen, sweetheart. Just let me see him, even if it’s just through the door. Then I’ll come back here and rest. I promise, ok?”  
  
She bit her lower lip, obviously warring with her own common sense. She got up and smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.”  
  
“Thanks” Dean lay back on the pillows. What the fuck had happened? The last thing he remembered was the commandos bursting into the motel room. It didn’t make any sense. He could feel the pain now, that much was certain. He was pretty sure he hadn’t been that badly damaged before. At least, -he- thought so. All he cared about was that Sam was alive and ok. Nothing else mattered.  
  
“Lucy” talked to the two large men outside, one of them glanced in at Dean, he probably weighed at least 250 pounds with all that muscle. Dean grunted. He’d never get past those two in this condition.  
  
“Okay.” Lucy came back to Dean’s bed and pulled down one of the bars. “We’ll take you to Sam’s room, but all you can do is look inside.”  
  
“Thank you.” Dean said earnestly. He swung his feet over the edge and stood up slowly. Fuck, that hurt. His stomach was killing him. “Ouch, shit.”  
  
“Easy does it.” She helped him.  
  
They slowly walked down the hallway, the two guards flanking them every step of the way. They came to another room which was padlocked with a nasty looking chain and two more guards stood outside. Dean looked in the window and saw Sam sitting in a chair in the corner. He had his face in his hands.  
  
“Sam!” Dean pressed a hand up against the door and shoved at it. The two guards instantly moved to hold him back. He chilled. “It’s cool. I’m cool. Get off me.” He put a hand on the window. “Well thank god you’re alive.” He breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
Sam didn’t move for a long time. He seemed to sense something and looked up. It was the first time Dean had seen his brother’s eyes in a long time and he smiled. Though bloodshot and puffy with tears Sam’s eyes were the most beautiful thing in the world. “Dean?” Sam rose from his chair. He was at the window in an instant. “God, your eye…”  
  
Dean could hear him through the door, his voice muffled but it was Sam. His Sam, “Just a shiner, it’ll go away. I’ve had worse.”  
  
“You should be resting.” Sam touched the glass of the door.  
  
Dean reached up to touch it in the same place. “I will now. Are you ok?”  
  
“Yeah” Sam lied. “You?”  
  
“Yeah” Dean lied. “Peachy”  
  
He rested his head against the glass, Sam did the same. “I’m sorry, Dean.”  
  
“Don’t apologize.” He smiled. “You weren’t yourself. Listen, I gotta go back to my room or Lucy here’s going to give me a shot in the ass or something. I’m fine, ok?”  
  
Sam half smiled the way he always did when he knew Dean was not telling the truth. “You look like shit.”  
  
“Uh-huh.” Dean smirked. “I’ll come back again, ok? They said Bobby’s gonna be back later. I don’t know what’s going on or where we are. But we’re getting out.”  
  
“Dean, it’s cool. They’re just trying to help us. Let them. They’re Dad’s friends.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Bobby will explain. Rest, ok?” Sam swallowed.  
  
“Ok.”  
  
“Love you.”  
  
“You too” Dean responded without thinking. He heard Sam sigh and nodded to the guards. “Ok, I know, I know. My times up. Lucy lets have that sponge bath.” He winked at the nurse.  
  
***  


“It’s about time.” Dean glared at Bobby as he entered. “Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on?”  
  
“Hey, Dean.” Bobby pulled up a chair. He offered Dean a canister. “Snuck it in, make the most of it.”  
  
Dean took a gulp. Hard liquor, he grinned. “Can always count on you”  
  
“Yeah” Bobby studied Dean. “You a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you.”  
  
“When am I getting sprung from this room, Bobby?” Dean asked, “How’s Sam, really?”  
  
“He’s upset.” Bobby folded his arms. “You know he called me last week, Dean. Scared and worried about you. He told me he was having nightmares of things he wanted to do to you. He said he needed help. I sent him the name of Dr Lovichai, he didn’t tell you?”  
  
“No.” Dean shook his head and frowned. “He seemed to pull it out of thin air.”  
  
“Well he didn’t. He knew he was in trouble, and he knew –you- were in trouble because Jesus Dean, you let him do anything to you. He said you didn’t even try to fight back. You just let it happen.”  
  
“I –“  
  
“No let me finish.” Bobby cut Dean off. “Sam said he watched you ignore wounds like they weren’t even there just so he wouldn’t think you were in pain. He was sure your arm was broken but you never told him. You just allowed it to happen. I want to know why. Why, Dean?”  
  
“Because I couldn’t live with it otherwise, Bobby, you know I can’t hurt Sam. No matter what they say, I’m not going to kill him. I don’t care. I’d rather die.” Dean said vehemently.  
  
“You love him. I get that. Dean, what am I going to do with you?”  
  
“Let me go back to my car, she misses me?” Dean smiled winningly. “It’s my life, Bobby. I want to spend it with Sam; I don’t care what he is or what he does. That’s just the way it is.”  
  
Bobby gave Dean an exasperated look and stroked his beard. “Sam’s going through treatment with Lydia. You know, Doctor Lovichai. I contacted her right after I knew Sam was getting you two here. By the time you got here, he’d already lost control a few times and Lydia could see that the second he came up to her table. She knew I was on the way and found a way to stop Sam for a little while. It would buy us time. You wouldn’t have gone with her if they’d gone commando on you so they needed to wait. We got to you in time, thank God.”  
  
Dean grunted. “I had things under control.”  
  
“Dean. He was in the middle of pumping his fists into your face.” Bobby cleared his throat. “And you were well, nude, Dean. You both were. It’s not my business, ok. You’re like my own sons. Do you know what you’re getting into? I gotta ask, did he…”  
  
“No, Bobby, he didn’t rape me. Well, it probably looked like it, but I wanted it.” Dean was very matter of fact which made Bobby take a swig of his drink. “He did his best at first to make sure I didn’t enjoy it, but even evil there was something there, Bobby. He spent last night…shit.” Dean glanced away. “Shit.” It was dawning on him what Bobby actually was asking. “I don’t know.” He finally said. “I honestly don’t know if Sam would have touched me otherwise.”  
Bobby gave him a sympathetic look. “How long?”  
  
“Don’t really want to talk about it.” Dean muttered.  
  
“Who else are you going to talk to, Dean?”  
  
“You have a point. A long time, ok? I’ve never acted upon it if that’s what you want to know. Never. I only wanted the best for him. I’m not it. I never was. Hell if I know what to do now, Bobby. How is he? Really?”  
  
“Worried about you” Bobby shook his head. “Mostly he hates himself. He’s been doing well the last few days under the treatment. We got him to the Cemetery in time and performed the ritual. We think that will keep him Sam for a while.”  
  
“How long will it last?”  
  
“I don’t know to be honest. He’s Sam now and it has lasted for years in the past. This is something new though and he’s powerful, Dean.”  
  
“Then we can go?”  
  
There was a knock on his hospital room door. Sam was standing there. Bobby nodded. “He’s ok. Come in, Sam. I’ll be just outside.”  
  
Sam nodded to Bobby with a grateful look. He cleared his throat when they were finally left alone. “Dean.” He stood by the bed, hands grasping the railing.  
  
“Hey, Sam.” Dean smiled. He covered one of Sam’s hands with his own.  
  
For a long time, it was just silence; Sam studied him and bowed his head. “I don’t know what to say.”  
  
“Don’t then.” Dean shrugged, suppressing a wince. “I guess I fucked us up pretty good.”  
  
“You?!?” Sam eyeballed Dean. “Oh, you’re not going to do this.” He shook his head. “Uh-uh. Dean. *I* fucked us up, Big time. I nearly killed you. Dean!” He said sharply, “I raped you.”  
  
“I’m tired of hearing that word.” Dean grunted. “No one raped me. You can’t rape someone when they want it. You ravished me, there’s a difference. ”  
  
“Whatever. Dean. The point is, I hurt you. A lot, and…” Sam paused and sucked in his breath. “I don’t know how to fix it.”  
  
“Sammy.” Dean sighed as he linked their fingers together. “There’s something I need to ask you.”  
  
Sam’s thumb idly stroked one of Dean’s fingers. “What is it?”  
  
“Was it real, Sam?”  
  
Sam frowned, “Was what real?”  
  
“When you weren’t him, you wanted me. Was that real?”  
  
Sam smiled shyly. He lifted Dean’s hands to his lips and kissed his fingers. “Yes.”  
  
“Sammy.” Dean whispered. “I didn’t dare hope, you don’t have to. I’ll understand, if –“  
Sam leant down and kissed Dean, it was chaste at first, a feather light press of the lips. Dean gave a soft whimper and opened his mouth, inviting Sam’s tongue to swipe his. Sam felt his body shiver with need. Before it went any deeper he pulled away, panting. “We don’t have time.” He told Dean softly. “And this is real, Dean.”  
  
Dean closed his eyes. “Then nothing else matters, Sam.”  
  
Sam’s fingers gently touched Dean’s cheek.  
  
He opened his eyes again to look at Sam. “I can get past it.”  
  
Sam truly smiled then, “You’re amazing.” He traced Dean’s lips.  
  
“I love you, Sammy.” Dean said matter-of-factly.  
  
“Love you too.”  
  
Bobby cleared his throat from the doorway. “Boys?”  
  
Sam nodded, “Yeah, I know.”  
  
Dean glanced between Bobby and Sam. “What?”  
  
“I can’t stay much longer. I have to go for my treatment.” Sam squeezed Dean’s hand.  
  
“How long is this going to be for?” Dean looked over at Bobby.  
  
Bobby shrugged, “As long as it takes.”  
  
Sam kissed Dean’s head. “I’ll be back to see you tomorrow.”  
  
There wasn’t much Dean could do but watch Sam leave. He looked at Bobby who gave another shrug. “You need to rest, Dean.”  
  
“Bobby, chill out for a sec.” Dean said sharply. “Look, it’s not like I don’t appreciate what you’re doing for us. But I can’t sit in this hospital bed.”  
  
“One more day, Dean, can you handle that?”  
  
Dean sighed. “What is she filling his head with? He’s treating me like I’m made of glass.” He shifted and groaned. Ok, so maybe he really should stay in bed, at least for the moment.  
  
“You’re not glass, Dean, but you are broken and you need to rest and heal.” Bobby watched Dean from the door. “Lydia isn’t filling his head with anything; she’s helping him clear it.”  
  
Dean didn’t like that answer very much but he wasn’t in a position yet to get any more answers that day. “Ok. Ok.” He conceded.  
  
When Bobby left, Dean was alone with his thoughts again and slowly drifting. Lucy came in to give him dinner and some medication to help him sleep. He flirted with her, trying to get her to give him a backrub because after all isn’t that what nurses do, take care of their patients? He was impressed with how she simply dealt with his attitude and finally fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
Several days passed and finally it was enough for Dean. He was fine, he really was and he was tired of staying in bed. So he’d given Bobby an ultimatum and was up, dressed and ready to go. He wanted to get Sam alone and this place was starting to give him the creeps. It was like being in a mausoleum. They had talked several times but he hadn’t slept near Sam in a while and it was starting to make him jittery. He missed the sound of his brother’s breathing. He just wanted to put the whole miserable mess behind them.  
  
Sam came to the door. “So you’re ready to go?” He loomed in the entrance, watching as Dean fumbled with his cast.  
  
“Yeah” Dean nodded. “Are you coming?” He’d told Sam the day before that he was leaving in the morning. He couldn’t stay in a hospital bed and he was fine. Sam hadn’t encouraged or discouraged him.  
  
“Yeah” Sam nodded. “Dean?”  
  
Dean looked up at Sam, he couldn’t hide the smile. “Yeah?”  
  
“For better or worse?”  
  
Dean scoffed. “Sammy, we’re not married, no matter what Bobby’s told you.”  
  
Sam laughed, “Let’s get out of here.”  
  
They made their goodbyes easily enough and as the boys walked out to the Impala, Bobby and Lydia watched from the foyer. “He’s never going to be able to kill Sam when the time comes.” Lydia remarked.  
  
“I know.” Bobby nodded. “How long will the treatment last?”  
  
“Could be six months, could be a year.”  
  
“That’ll be long enough” Bobby muttered.  
  
“You did what you could, Bobby Singer.” Lydia gave her old friend a nod. “You know we’ll be watching.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Where are we going?” Sam asked Dean as he drove.  
  
“The nearest Motel” Dean said sharply.  
  
“Didn’t you just say you were tired of bed?” Sam raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Just drive the car, Sam.”  
  
***  


Sam no sooner tossed his bag down on the nearest countertop when Dean tugged the waistband of his jeans and pulled him over. It was the middle of the day, but Dean didn’t seem to care. He pulled Sam’s down for a kiss, a plaintive sound in his throat. The kiss was anything but subtle and sweet, Dean wanted to taste Sam and feel him however he could. It was hard with want and filled with hope. Their lips parted only when Sam made a gentle noise of protest. “Dean, slowly” he pleaded.  
  
He knelt on the bed and drew off his shirt and jacket. “I’m yours, Dean. Whatever you want to do” how else could he make up for how much he’d hurt Dean?  
  
“No.” Dean shook his head and stepped back. He took a deep breath. “Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair irritably and stared at his confused brother. “I’ve had it with this crap between us, Sam. There will be no more ‘Whatever you want, Dean’ and no more ‘Whatever you want, Sam’ shit” He took a deep breath. “I want you, and you want me. I love you and you love me. We’re in this together, Sammy, or not at all. If you want to touch me, I want you to fucking touch me, and I want you to love it and need it. I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me and I’m not going to wonder if you’re you or him. I don’t care. Do you understand me? I don’t care.”  
  
“You finished?” Sam wiped his hands on his jeans.  
  
Dean nodded,  
  
“Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw the damage I did to you, Dean? The damage –you- let me do? Huh?” Sam spread his hands. “I broke your arm, Dean. I broke it –deliberately-. I remember doing it too. I remember the pain in your eyes and I’ll never forget it.” Sam managed a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to remember anything like that again, but it might happen. Next time, Dean, I want you to fight back. I want you to promise me that you’ll fight back. I don’t want to wake up again with you like that again, ever.”  
  
“You’re askin’ a lot, Sam.” Dean shook his head. “I ca…”  
  
“And you’re asking me to forget what I did! You want me to pretend it didn’t happen. You want me to touch you the way I want to touch you. Dean… God I want to do that so much, but I can’t stop thinking about what I am capable of and what I’ve done.” He inched forward and rested his hand on Dean’s cheek, still kneeling on the bed.  
  
Dean took Sam’s hand and linked their fingers together. “Alright” he nodded. “I’ll fight.”  
  
Sam’s smile reached his eyes when he gazed at Dean again. “This is real, now, Dean.” He reached for his brother and started to unbutton his overshirt. “Why the hell do you have to wear so many damn layers?” He complains.  
  
_Somewhere in the back of his brain, Sam can hear the laughter, the taunt that will always remind him that this is borrowed time._  
  
“Sammy.” Dean laughed softly, “Extra clothing is always good for padding. It was one of Dad’s first lessons.”  
  
There is a plaintive sound in Sam’s throat when he finally gets the shirt off of Dean. Yeah, there is still a bandage and the cast to worry about, but he can feel his brother’s skin now. “I need to make it right, Dean.” He tells his brother softly. “I want to love you.”  
  
“Sam.” Dean whispered softly. “You already have made things right.”  
  
Dean’s fingers traced his brother’s neck and worked his way down Sam’s chest to ghost over a nipple then pinch it fondly until it peaked tight. He held his brother’s eyes while Sam’s hands gripped his shoulders. Dean’s fingers traced circles to his other nipple and it received the same treatment. “You hard, Sammy?” Dean asked without looking down. He trailed two fingers down  
  
“Yeah” Sam panted.  
  
Dean tickled Sam’s bellybutton and moved his fingers lower to his brother’s jeans. He flicked open the button and slipped his hand down. The zipper gave under the added pressure and he closed his palm over Sam’s cock. “I can see that.” Dean whispered as he leant forward to kiss his lover’s collar bone. Lover, Dean smiled. He rubbed his fingers up and down and created a slow friction that brought delicious sounds from Sam’s lips.  
  
Sam’s hands found the ability to move and they were touching Dean again, this time he’d abandoned all gentility. Dean didn’t want it and hell he couldn’t do that. He had to –touch- Dean. He drew his fingers down the muscular contours of his brother’s back and slipped his hands under his jeans to rest on his ass. “I think we’re still overdressed.” Sam protested as his cock pulsed hot against the palm of Dean’s hand.  
  
They pulled apart only for the time it took to remove jeans and shoes. Sam had the presence of mind to remember to retrieve lube and they had a race to see who could stretch out on the bed first. Sam snickered as Dean nearly fell off. “It isn’t fair, you have long legs and I’m not at One Hundred Percent.” Dean argued.  
  
“So we’ll rematch when you are.” Sam tugged Dean on top of him.  
  
Dean lowered his lips to Sam’s and sucked on his lower one. Sam whimpered when he lined their shafts together and pressed closer to him. He moved slightly, just enough to create friction. Dean’s tongue wisped along Sam’s lips and he let out a soft little growl. He was rewarded when Sam attempted to tackle his tongue and claim it as his own. That’s what he wanted. He didn’t want Sam to treat him like he was broken. He wanted equal desire. It had to be all or nothing. He increased his movements, thrusting against Sam’s stomach. Sam cried out and clutched his shoulders. “Want me to stop?” Dean teased.  
  
“You better start something else if you do.” Sam whined. “Dean, God.” He panted. “I want you to fuck me!!”  
  
“No Sam, I’m not going to do that.” Dean shook his head and then grinned toothily at Sam’s look of complaint. “I’m going to make love to you; I’m not going to fuck you. Fucking is for little bitches in heat. Fucking is for women. I’m not going to just –fuck- you.” He tugged at Sam’s ear with his lips. “I’m going to show you what heaven really is.”  
  
“I already know what heaven is, Dean.” Sam turned and pressed a finger to Dean’s lips. “Heaven is you.” He took a breath. “Like this.”  
  
_It won’t last. You will fall.  
_  
Not as long as Dean looked at him like this, not as long as there was hope in Dean’s eyes. It was that look that kept him from killing Dean when he was evil. Even that half of his soul knew that Dean was his salvation, his guardian and his lover. No matter how black his heart became there was one part of him that would never be able to kill Dean. That love was too strong. It terrified him because he knew what kind of awful things he could do and he knew that he’d keep Dean alive.  
  
“Sammy.” Dean said softly.  
  
“As long as I am here and can draw breath I’ll never give up on you.” Dean vowed. His eyes held his brothers, “no matter what happens.”  
  
“I love you, Dean.” Sam responded.  
  
And that would have been true, no matter what part of him was saying it.  
  
\--Finis-- 

 


End file.
